Ex-Cowboy Irvin Caught with Dope Pipe

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you what's funny, but this is funny: A friend and I were discussing Sunday (tongue-in-cheek, of course) how Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman and Jay Novacek were the only Cowboys from the Dallas Super Bowl teams that didn't have problems with the law.

He said, "What about Michael Irvin?"

I said, "His problems have been well chronicled."

He said, "Yeah, but nothing recently."

Oh, it is to laugh.

And you'd think that would be the funny part -- until you hear about the actual incident and post incidents.

I'm sure you've all heard about the drug pipe (I've heard lots of discrepancies about the drug of choice to say here) found in Irvin's car, so we'll forego rehashing all the details (post a comment if you have any questions about it).

So Irvin is pulled over for speeding (not a good start) and the cops find this pipe, and Irvin tells them, "It's my brother's." Except, later on, he says it's not his literal brother, but his long-time unidentified friend who is "like a brother." Like when you go buy [enter favorite item here: cigarettes, condoms, pregnancy kit] and say "It's for a friend."

OK, OK, that may be jumping the gun. Let's assume for a moment that Irvin is actually telling the truth so far. Irvin also says that this friend showed up at Irvin's house on Thanksgiving. Irvin took the pipe (and a couple baggies that contained drug residue) from the friend and put it all in his own car so he could dispose of it later.

[Throws a red flag] Hold it right there. I'm going to call for a replay on this one. Irvin said he's trying to help this friend of 17 years quit drugs. He does so by taking away drug paraphernalia and putting it in his own car. What?

I've heard plenty of people say, "If he was going to dispose of it, why didn't he do it immediately?" Absolutely, makes sense, 100 percent. But, hang on, I'll give Irvin the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was an awkward situation and he couldn't just destroy it on the spot. What I want to know is at what point Irvin decided that putting it in his car was a logical conclusion. This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. If you're going to hide drugs where they're not going to cause problems (EVER), it's not in your car.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Irvin doesn't live in a split-level ranch, that it's maybe something a little bit bigger. Are you telling me there was no place in the house he could have hidden this stuff so he could dispose of it later? I mean, I can think of dozens of places where I'd hide stuff, and a half-dozen places (in a house) to easily dispose of it. Why in a million years would you put it in your car? And how are you going to dispose of the stuff from your car later?

I think we have enough here, your honor, but let's nail this baby shut, shall we?

Irvin "allowed" himself to be interviewed on the Dan Patrick Show on ESPN radio Monday. Among the ridiculous things he said (or refused to say) was when he danced around the topic of taking a drug test to clear his name outright. That would prove beyond the shadow of a doubt at least that the stuff wasn't his. Irvin kept babbling about lawyers and legalities and all kinds of basically irrelevant stuff guilty people usually say when they're ... well, guilty.

Now, Irvin is an independent contractor, according to his agreement with ESPN, where he appears on much of their NFL programming. That generally means that management can't force him to take a drug test. Irvin knew that for a fact, strangely enough.

Anyway, I've heard enough of Irvin week-to-week on ESPN -- more than enough, if you want to get into it -- to know that he's on there only to push an agenda, that if you call him on it gets you labeled by the PC police no matter how right you are. Most of pre-/post-game shows are to the point where they're almost unwatchable, and it's come to that point with the onslaught of Irvins, Shannon Sharpes and Deion Sanderses, who like yelling about things but really have nothing to say.

Oh, sorry, got roaring from my pulpit there for a minute. Back to Irvin ...

The whole point here was that the Cowboys teams that were collecting Lombardi trophies like they were baseball cards were basically a bunch of rehab center escapees, and probably most of them shouldn't even have been in football, much less winning championships and contemplating Hall of Fame inductions.

Alas, this is the world we have allowed. It's so sad that we need something to make us laugh.

"No, really. It's for a friend."

Whew! Ya. That's a good one.